Beautiful and Daunting Contradictions

Our lives are beautiful and daunting contradictions. Whatever paths we travel on, we are simultaneously clobbered and gifted. 

During the past couple of years, my family and I haven't been able to escape this reality. Relentless heaviness and enormous pressure have been weighing us down, yet in the same breath, we are being lifted up and carried, lightening our load and allowing us to enjoy the beauty that surrounds and embraces us. 

We have screamed for normalcy, but have continually been hit with abnormalities. We have cried for simplicity, but complexities never fail to intrude. We wish that our lives were painless, but we never find ourselves free from all the trauma and agony that haunts us. Though despair tries to imprison us, we must learn from history and observe the legacies of people who suffered through deep dark shadows and didn’t let their situations grip or overpower them. They lived in the contradiction of embracing love, hope, and joy through it all. 

Our journeys are full of beautiful and daunting contradictions, while we are victims of violence and bullies, we are also beneficiaries of people's loving charity and compassion. We have the power to use our gifts and privilege to abuse and violate others, or we can use those same gifts and privileges to lift others up and shower others with mercy, forgiveness, and love. Sometimes we work our butts off just to slide down the hill we put in so much effort to climb, and yet, sometimes we find ourselves chilling on the top of the hill, having made no effort whatsoever.

Our journeys don't make sense, they are full-to-overflowing with infuriating or invigorating contradictions; our sweat-filled efforts and the good things we do may lead to nothing, but the harsh times, the bad things we do, our laziness, may lead to something spectacular - we never know! We live in endless contradictions that leave us dazed and confused, causing us to ponder our very own meaning and existence. We are often left reflecting on our efforts, just like the writer of Ecclesiastes, who exclaimed: "Meaningless! Everything is Meaningless - like chasing after the wind!"

About 25 years ago, I went through a very traumatic event while taxi-driving in Glen Eden (NZ). After picking up a couple of guys, the fella sitting in the backseat grabbed my ponytail and rested his knife gently against my throat, while the guy in the front took my money and directed me to drive to a secluded cul-de-sac. These 2 then forced me into the boot of my own car, and then they drove me around. As I lay in the pitch black, as they swerved around corners, I prayed for deliverance, not knowing where we were going, but also knowing my fate was in the hands of two desperate men who had the power to snuff my life away!

Over the past couple of years, our family has gone through a lot of pain and crises. For privacy reasons I'm not going to elaborate on this, except to say, it's felt like we've been carjacked, had a knife to the throat and now we're being driven around in the boot of my taxi; trapped and powerless, not knowing where we'll end up, if or when we'll get out, and what state we'll be in at the end. 

The carjackers eventually parked my car, opened the boot, asked if I was alright, tossed the key into me, closed the trunk, and vanished into the night - never to be seen again. I didn't know where I was, just that I was trapped, alone, and scared in a dark tight cage. I yelled, hoping someone would hear - but no one did. I didn't know how long the oxygen would last, so I tried to relax. As I lay in the pitch black, I prayed for deliverance, not knowing if I'd ever get out. I fiddled around, and to my surprise, found a lever that popped open the trunk.

Sometimes we think it's over when we climb out of the boot, hop into the driver's seat, and head home, relieved and thankful not to be injured or dead! The journey continues, there's residue, it doesn't just disappear, it lingers, as seemingly little things remind us and keep the trauma and frustration alive. For me, it was the reporter who retold my story falsely to sensationalize it, it was the other taxi drivers who told me what I should have done instead, it was the cops who took my car to be fingerprinted and never cleaned the powder out, it was the newfound mistrust of people behind me, it was certain triggers which resulted in me going onto day-shifts very briefly and driving past people I would once pick up, and it was the greater realization of my naivety and mortality. 

That harrowing experience has faded into the background. What once was so vivid, is now hazy and distant - just a memory, an exciting story to tell, something that could have crushed me, but didn't! 

These days, when I reflect on that night, and many other regrettable periods of my life I'd like to erase, I can actually say I'm thankful for going through them. Though traumatic and awful, though they've left scars, they've been used for good and made me stronger. I can honestly see how they've been an integral part of my development and growth. It's because of all these experiences, my love, faith, hope, joy, compassion, mercy, generosity, confidence, courage, and patience have all grown in leaps and bounds.

These truths have the unique ability to free us! But, doesn't it seem impossible to remind ourselves of these truths when we're going through a new struggle, with fresh painful bloody wounds?

It's difficult not knowing where our journey will take us and what good that may eventually sprout forth. "Not knowing" is crazy-making, while at the same time, character-building! There are times I want to explode in fits of rage when overly spiritual people tell me "all you need is faith", knowing how difficult it is to cling onto any ounce of faith as rapids increase around me and the night gets darker and darker. Yet, in trying to stay afloat, I find myself admitting my frailty and begging for mercy just like the hopeless dad. He knew how helpless he was, he knew he couldn't stop his baby-boy from suffering, but he also knew Jesus had the power to save him, so in desperation, he cried these beautiful honest words I also find myself praying: "I do believe, help my unbelief". My cry is often as weak and fragile as a tiny "mustard seed", but when it is planted, I am sustained, my melancholy lifts, and my hope is resurrected - again, and again, and again!

I tell this story because my journey is like canoeing down a beautiful river that's full of life - there are times when the rapids start raging too fast and too hard and all I can do is use all my strength not to capsize and drown. Eventually, the insanity dies down as the waters start to mellow out and become peaceful. In the stillness, it's easier to see and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. Even though things seem stagnant, the water is still flowing, slowly moving, increasing in intensity, only to once again rage at an uncontrollable and frantic pace, before it mellows out and becomes calm, again. 

The complexity of faith, prayer, and fasting, does not mean we're kept safe, we're rescued, or that our lives will magically become easier. The complexity is magnified because God's ways are not our ways, and God's thoughts are not our thoughts. The complexity is magnified so much more by the beautiful reality that God is love and He hasn't forsaken us, and in knowing this we are called to journey into the agonizing prayer of faith that Jesus suffered through, "not my will but yours be done". Living in this faith, in this complexity, in the rapids, in the boot, helps us realize our despair isn't final, it gives us hope, knowing that Jesus went through it, he loves us, and has our backs. 

As Peter so boldly proclaimed, “and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.”

I started by saying how we journey through these beautiful and daunting contradictions of being clobbered and gifted simultaneously. I would be wrong if I didn't highlight how we have been uplifted and carried by so many, making the rapids, the boot, the journey, so much easier. We have and continue to feel the embrace of those who won't let us sink. 

We've received shower after shower of compassionate love and generosity on both sides of the Pacific. No one can journey through this life on their own, we all need others! Our current life here in Aotearoa has only been possible because we are the recipients of so much amazing generosity, which in turn, has lightened our heavy loads. The blessings and gifts we've received are far too many to speak of, and I wouldn't do it justice, as the hug, a word, or a prayer, given at the right time can be just as (or even more) powerful than those material gifts that have absolutely blown our minds.

Our love for one another is powerful, it sustains us, and provides hope when everything looks daunting and dim. It is love that keeps us from crashing into the rocks, it is love that motivates us to escape out of the boot, it is love that keeps us trekking along the journey, it is the powerful works of love that overcomes evil. Jesus knows love's redemptive power, he knows the healing it brings, and that's why he wants his followers to embrace the same sacrificial, forgiving, merciful love he lived out. In knowing love's power, Jesus proclaimed, "they will recognize that you are my disciples - when they see the love you have for one another!" 

Our lives may be these complex contradictions, where we cannot escape pain and suffering, but my prayer for us all is that we find relief and hope through our Saviour and neighbors who love us and want the best for us. May we not only be takers, but also, willing givers of that compassionate love, that brings redemptive healing...