BULLIED: My Personal Journey!
I was 10 years old! I was squabbling with my best friend about something; I can’t remember what. It wasn’t big or significant or important, but it ended when he took my backpack and tossed it angrily down our school's grassy bank.
When I arrived home, my mum saw my muddy school bag and asked me about it. I told her! She was not pleased, and with pure intentions, she thought it best to have a "mother-to-mother" conversation. She disappeared to my friend's mum's place, but it didn’t go as planned, didn't resolve the issue, and it certainly was not the kumbaya moment my mum desired. From that day on, I was perceived to be a snitch, a tattle-tale who ran home to my mummy. From that day on, I was bullied by this kid and whatever clique surrounded him for the following 8 years in 3 different schools.
I was never beaten but occasionally shoulder-charged, shoved, and threatened. The bullying I received was primarily verbal. The most common ways I was harassed and mocked had to do with my appearance and conservative Christian upbringing. They knew I was this shy, socially awkward, extremely naive kid, and they pounced on my apparent weaknesses. I was an easy target.
Here's a brief look at my background: My parents always had an honourable and respected reputation in the Kaurilands Valley. They were a righteous couple trying to bring up their 3 kids in the same righteous way. We were seen and known as a non-smoking, non-drinking, non-swearing, non-TV-owning, hard-working Christian whānau, who faithfully attended Church activities multiple times per week. To any onlookers, we were all about the local Church. Every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and at other scheduled times, we'd get dressed up, hop into our red Mark 4 Zephyr, and make our way to and through the sacred doors.
Dad was a hard-working plumber, while Mum taught piano and was a relieving teacher at 2 of the public schools I attended. There was no denying it to onlookers: We were all about the local Church. Dad was an elder who preached sermons and led home groups, while Mum led worship, played the organ, and taught Sunday School.
What's vitally important in this context was that my mum taught "Bible-In-Schools" weekly. She was gifted at it, and most kids loved it and her. She had an outstanding reputation as a trustworthy woman of God. My brother, sister, and I became known as the Bible teacher's kids. We could have had a far worse reputation, but as I was this shy, awkward boy, this label weighed heavy on me. I felt all eyes were watching me for any unrighteousness or false move or deed. If we ever misstepped, we had those who'd remind us who our mum was and that Christians aren't meant to speak or act or be like that.
My bullies knew this; they knew this well. They knew how sheltered and naive I was, and they knew I was an easy target, so they pounced on me at every opportunity.
I went to an all-boys high school, and one afternoon, I was walking towards the bus and noticed all these fellas pointing at me, laughing and mocking me. I quickly realised someone had tied a fake bloody tampon onto my school bag. I was an easy target. I ripped it off and dropped it on the ground, not knowing what it was. I didn't have a clue about tampons and periods. I was clueless about countless things 14-year-old boys know about. My bullies knew that, and they knew how to exploit my naivety. Distraught, embarrassed and angry, I went home, hated who I was and cried bitterly alone in the hiddenness of my room.
That is my personal story. The bullying I received was nothing compared to what many others have received and are receiving, but to me, it was painful and led to much self-loathing, suicidal ideations, self-harm and anger towards my parents, the world and God.
The end of school meant we all started new journeys, and I've never seen those bullies again. It was a fresh start. The wounds are no longer fresh, and the scars have faded. But they're still there. I notice them occasionally; they remind me of what once was! I know these scars have the power to either drag me into despair or empower me!
- Bullies aren't always who you expect them to be.
I attended a high school recognised as one of the best rugby schools in the world. Just recently, in 2024, Kelston Boys High School won the world championships. I went to school with teenagers who ended up representing New Zealand in rugby (became All Blacks), yet I never had any issues with those fellas! It wasn't the so-called "jocks" who bullied me, it was some of the so-called "nerds". The fellas who picked on me, taunted me and made fun of me weren't popular sporty types, gangsters or angst-filled rebels, no, they were a small bunch of awkward boys who loved role-playing games like Dungeons and Dragons, watched Star Trek, listened to music like Talking Heads and David Bowie, and obsessed over the cult classic musical, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
They didn't fit the stereotype! They didn't fit the image of bullies that movies love to portray! They didn't fit who society views as thugs! They may not have fit our stereotypes, but the effect on me was real and painful.
I've known people who've been bullied by the police, by churchgoers, by politicians, by pastors, by social workers, by those experiencing homelessness, by wealthy, gentrifying neighbours and by tiny little young girls who look like they wouldn't and couldn't hurt a butterfly. They may not fit the stereotypes, but the effect they have on those bullied is both painful and real and shouldn't be dismissed!
My Advice: Listen and believe those who entrust you with their stories, because plenty of bullies have an unexpected image and can enact real pain on real people! Denying someone's trauma only increases their trauma!
- Fighting your bullies isn't the best advice to give a scared kid.
When I was 11 years old, we used to play "marbles" under this tree at my Intermediate School. This space was supposed to be a time of enjoyment, but my bullies would come and cause me grief. They would take my marbles, throw them away, call me names and push me around a little. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. I wanted it to stop; it was very upsetting. I needed it to stop, but they kept doing it, time and time again, so in the end, I stopped playing the game I enjoyed playing!
During this time, I would go home from school, cry and complain about these kids. I wanted solutions, and I sought advice!
I remember being told to stand up to them. I remember being told to punch them, and they'd back down. I remember being told this a few times. I remember contemplating this but also remembering how I was punched in the face in primary school and how I was too afraid to fight back. As an over-thinker, I imagined all the likely outcomes, and not one of them favoured me at all! I imagined swinging and missing. I imagined getting beaten. I imagined him and his friends beating me to a pulp. I imagined his older brothers getting involved and making my life even more hellish. I imagined becoming more of a laughingstock than I already was. I imagined, and any courage I managed to muster quickly drifted away like fog.
My lack of courage fed my overactive mind; it fed my low self-esteem, social anxiety and suicidal ideations. Boys were meant to be tough and courageous, but to me, I was this wimpy, frightened wuss who wallowed in guilt because I wasn't "man" enough.
Movies often portray a dorky little boy with thick-rimmed glasses getting savagely bullied day after day by boys about a foot taller than him. The pressure builds and builds until one day, that pressure explodes, and the little fella starts wheel-housing the main instigator, leaving the bully on the ground crying, with black eyes and a bloody nose! That wasn't my story! I've met one person who snapped like that, and it worked for him, but for me and many others, we often resign to the reality that we just have to live with it.
My Advice: a lot of us who were bullied struggle with our self-worth and courage. Remind us we are worthy and not wimpy cowards!
- Names hurt like hell!
Were you ever told, "Sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt you"? I did; people said it to me dozens if not hundreds of times, and I hated hearing that phrase every single time!
As a youngster, friends would play this game where we'd call each other names, to which we'd respond, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me!" I'm not talking about this childhood banter. I'm talking about when this phrase is used as genuine advice. I'm talking about when we're told those names have no power over us even though those names are creating real tears and real distress. I'm talking about parents, youth leaders, adults, friends, or counsellors using this phrase in a genuine attempt to try and help people suffering in genuine pain!
Such advice dismisses and disregards the pain and trauma people are going through! Such advice tells people they are weak. Such advice tells people they are fragile. Such advice tells people that their genuine pain is wrong and increases their guilt. Such advice makes people hide what they are feeling. Such advice can increase suicidal ideations and self-harm. Such advice did all this to me! It affected me. I pushed my feelings deeper and deeper. I believed my genuine pain was unchristian. I was racked with guilt. I thought I was an ugly, unworthy participant in this world. I became more and more withdrawn, and my self-harm and suicidal ideations increased.
The frequent verbal mockery I received did far more damage to my self-esteem and social anxiety than any "sticks and stones". Names hurt like hell! Names are triggering and can leave people wounded. Harmless comments became harmful. Bullies would target my appearance, especially my disproportionately sized head, my oval face, and my large forehead. These names hurt like hell, and therefore, as a result, when older men at my Church would laugh and tease me about how I was going to end up bald "like my old man", it would send me into a spiral where I would play with razor blades on my wrists. These names hurt like hell, and therefore, as a result, when I first arrived in Chicago, I was affected by some Trekkies whom I lived with who commented and joked about how I looked like a Klingon. I didn't know what or who Klingons were, so I investigated. I took this innocent comparison as a brutal attack. I didn't want to go through my childhood trauma again. It was so upsetting that it caused me to contemplate leaving JPUSA and returning home to Aotearoa.
Most of the people who offered me this advice genuinely loved me and were genuinely trying to help me! They thought this advice could help take away other people's words' enormous power over me! We're all affected by the criticisms and mockery of others, leaving us all with scars. What I found ironic is how those who offered me this advice had also been traumatised and hurt by other people's mean comments and criticisms.
My Advice: Listen, acknowledge, and never dismiss another person's pain, because, for some people, words can be far more painful and damaging than shoving, fists and shoulder bumps! Let us remind ourselves of how uniquely beautiful and worthy we all are!
- Be careful in spiritualising advice.
The Bible is full of inspiring verses and life-changing stories. It tells of people, including Jesus, who went through horrible abuse at the hands of others. They endured. They overcame. They remained faithful. They reached jaw-dropping mountain peaks. The Bible calls us to learn from these remarkable people and their inspirational journeys. Being a churched kid, verses were continuously used with the genuine intention of freeing me from my perpetual state of depression. I was constantly asked to reflect on Joseph, what he overcame and what he said when he reached his pinnacle, his mountain peak.
Joseph's story (Genesis 37-50) tells of a young man who was thrown into a pit and sold into slavery by his jealous older brothers; he was then falsely accused of sexual harassment and imprisoned for many years in an Egyptian jail before he was eventually made governor of Egypt. What a turnaround! Joseph's journey ends with him in a position of power and his brothers in danger of starving to death. In desperation, his brothers travelled many kilometres to beg for assistance, only to end up standing before the one they'd abused and mistreated. They didn't recognise him at first, so he tested them for a while before he revealed who he was. Joseph calmed their shattered nerves by saying, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save many people's lives" (Genesis 50:20)
These words of Joseph's are frequently used! They are quoted to point out that our affliction need only be temporary because if we endure and remain faithful, God will ensure we reach remarkable mountain tops, just like Joseph. This verse, and many others, are often used to tell those bullied that we shouldn't be sad or anxious or fearful or depressed, as God has our backs, because "he works all things together for good for those who love him". It is implied that if we're good, faithful Christians, bullying will only happen for a brief season because our loving God is allowing it and putting us through it to make us stronger and better. We are told to rejoice in our suffering, and if we don't and the bullying continues, there is an implication that it is our fault! We are told this, even though Joseph's troubles were agonising and traumatic and scary and lasted a very long time!
For me, I felt I was in a dark pit of despair and unable to see any light, so when these verses were randomly quoted without context with the hope of comforting me, they did the exact opposite; they often poured a heavy dose of guilt onto my already established despair. I didn't care about Joseph; I cared about my present state. I was worried about today, not some mysterious future. I wanted comfort now, not in 40 years! I wanted to be rescued there and then. I didn't need a quick-fix verse quoted to me out of context; I needed people willing to love, protect, rescue and endure my struggle with me!
My Advice: Speak of Jesus, speak of Joseph, and quote scriptures! These stories and verses have power! They can tear us down. They can inspire us and lift us up! They invite us to observe a remarkable man who endured, was resilient and overcame! I invite us to choose wisely how we speak scripture into another person's life, we should take our time, read the room, and always do it with utmost love and compassion!
- Triggered by other people's journeys of being bullied
Many years passed. My self-esteem had elevated. I was far more confident. The names and comments that once knocked me down were no longer knocking me down anymore. I felt I had overcome an obstacle that had made countless efforts to take me out. Life felt good; I was no longer analysing every look, joke or comment as a horrible judgment and criticism against me. Life was good; I was married, and we had two children who had friends and were doing well. Bullying wasn't on my mind; I barely thought about it.
Then, out of the blue, my youngest, my baby girl, started to get bullied by other little girls who were her friends. My daughter's story is unique, but it has many similarities to mine. Her bullies attended her school and our Church and lived in the same building. They made her life hard every time they saw each other, nearly every day! Similar to my story, the bullying wasn't physical; it was psychological and verbal and intentional. They were younger and tiny but made sure she knew she was rejected and felt humiliated. They made sure she knew she wasn't welcome or worthy of their clique.
As parents, we attempted to help her, but the bullying continued, and we watched our happy, energetic baby girl lose hope and joy. We did what we could, but we watched our daughter become angry, bitter and confused and shed countless tears! It was rough; people didn't believe it was happening. They thought, how could these sweet little girls be bullies? Despite all the denial, it was real, and it was happening, and Beth and I felt helpless and hopeless and angry and sad!
At that time, we seriously contemplated moving rooms in the ten-storey building we lived in. Due to seeing our little one struggle, Beth and I started praying about leaving JPUSA, the Christian community we'd both lived in for years and had dedicated our lives to. It was rough; we couldn't stay in a place where she was hiding away and crying continuously! Her bullying and our feelings of utter hopelessness caused us to question things that we never would have asked ourselves before.
As someone who's been bullied, not being able to rescue her from her bullies was extremely difficult. It took me into a negative space. I knew it wouldn't last forever; mine didn't, but I also knew she was in that dark tunnel where she couldn't see an exit light. I was now in my parents' shoes; I was watching my child being bullied and wanting to rescue her. I felt for what my parents went through and the hopelessness and helplessness and anger and sadness they may have also felt! I was triggered; my daughter's struggle took me back to the 1980s, and I felt her pain, and I felt trapped once again.
My Advice: Know you'll probably be triggered at some time in your life. Be there for your loved one, let them know they're loved and precious and worthy, even if you're incapable of rescuing them. Please do your best to keep hope alive for them and yourself! Be gentle with yourselves!
- Forgiveness! It takes time. It's Liberating!
Forgiveness is powerful, but it's a tricky concept to navigate. When talking about forgiving people, we're looking at those who took away our innocence, hope, and love of this world. Forgiveness shouldn't be forced on anyone, and when it is, is it truly forgiveness? Forgiveness is a choice! Forgiveness is a journey. It's a painful journey. It's a long journey. It can be a lonely journey. It'll be emotional. It'll feel like an eclectic, rollercoaster ride. But it's a remarkable journey that has the potential to bring life-changing liberation and healing. I can say it has been for me!
Learning to forgive our oppressors or bullies does wonders in freeing and healing ourselves. It liberates us by taking away our bitterness and by not allowing our bullies to live rent-free in our heads. Whereas I wholeheartedly believe in the healing power of forgiveness, approaching and commanding someone to forgive while being bullied (or oppressed) isn't wise. I didn't personally face this, but I've seen many good-intentioned people go up to someone in their suffering and preach at them to "forgive because Jesus won't forgive them if they won't forgive" (referencing Matthew 6:14-15). Guilt-tripping and condemnation and threats of hell do far more damage than good; they often push people deeper into their pits of despair.
Forgiving our bullies doesn't mean finding them years later and saying, "Hey bro, I forgive you for putting me through hell", and it also doesn't mean proclaiming "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do" while being abused. It's an internal battle. It's about emancipating ourselves so our bullies no longer have power over us and we have the freedom to be ourselves and navigate our journeys confidently.
My Advice: Speak to people about what forgiveness can do for them. Speak lovingly and compassionately. Give them time to walk their path. Give people time to discover the liberating power of forgiveness. Be gentle! Be kind! Be patient!
- What people meant for harm can be reversed for good.
This point may seem contradictory to what I wrote earlier (under "Be careful in spiritualising advice"), but it isn't. There is a big difference between what we say to someone during their struggle and what the outcome can be. This point is about those of us who are further on our journey, those who've found liberation and how we can turn the damage done into a redemptive story. We, like Joseph, hopefully, will be able to proclaim, "What was intended for harm is now being used for good." I'm thankful I can now confidently make the same proclamation.
What I went through prepared me for what I do and who I am today. It's crazy because I can reflect on my journey and be glad I went through it. I wasn't then, but I am now! It's crazy how our roughest and most painful moments define us far more than when we cruise through life without hassle or hardship. We often learn more from our experiences than from books and school. Because of my struggles, I understand in a new way another verse that is occasionally referenced to those being bullied: "Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope" (Romans 5:3-4). It's true, I've had a few things in my life that have unsuccessfully tried to kill me, but the long-term result is that I've persevered and come back stronger and with renewed hope.
What happened to me has had a lasting effect; it has made me more empathetic, and it has given me a drive to fight for those bullied, oppressed and overlooked. Over the last 28 years, I have dedicated my life to helping a group of people who are some of the most bullied in our society today: those experiencing homelessness! This journey has opened my eyes to how society bullies the weak, vulnerable and poor through its laws and systems of oppression. Being bullied has created within me a desire to care for those whom Jesus compassionately called "the least of these". My desire, drive, calling, heart, and ambition is to let bullied and oppressed people know by both words and deeds that they are loved, worthy of compassion and important.
Today, I have had and continue to have the honour, privilege and pleasure of walking alongside those who are bullied. It gives me immense joy to help someone experiencing homelessness move into a home. It is an honour to meet our friends sleeping rough and assist them with food, blankets and necessary items. It is a privilege when I get the opportunity to advocate for people in court and other government agencies. It's not always easy; in fact, it's damn hard at times, but I feel a burning in my soul to fight injustice to the best of my abilities wherever I go. Whether it is marching for a free Palestine, advocating for Māori rights, or supporting the Rainbow community through their continued discrimination. My past and belief in a Liberating Jesus calls me to not walk on by any bullying, whether it is domestic violence, a clique of intermediate kids pushing around another student or our politicians who find ways to bully and oppress our most marginalised and vulnerable. Being bullied, along with my calling and belief in our Liberating Loving Jesus, lets me know that silence or walking on by can never be an option. My past reminds me that it's my duty and honour to press toward a more just, equal, and equitable future.
My Advice: Persevere; it can be turned around. Find your niche. Find your calling. Find your drive. There is hope! Don't give in! Don't let the bullies win! Love wins!
I want to close this by apologising. I have told my story as a victim of bullies, but I know I'm not innocent! Whereas I haven't intentionally and routinely decided to pick on some undeserving person, I have got caught up in moments where the "jokes" and "comments" and "looks" went too far, where the recipient ended in tears or anger; for my involvement and my words, I'm dreadfully sorry! For the times I've been in bullying cliques, where I was amongst others who were hurling insults, I apologise for not trying to stop them or stand up for you. For those times, I've been in a ministry, Church, workplace or organisation that has had bullying or abusive habits. I'm sorry for not being able to prevent the suffering or pain you went through and may still be going through. For any trauma or sorrow I may have caused intentionally, unintentionally, or by association, I sincerely and humbly apologise!
Instead of thriving on ridiculing and picking on and bullying others, let us follow the example of Jesus, who denounced his power and chose a path of humility and weakness to exalt others, especially those who are poor, vulnerable and marginalised. May we use our power and privilege not to tread on and mock the weak but may we be seen as a people who help lift others out of their mires! May we be motivated by love, compassion and a spirit that puts others before ourselves.
Comments