When I Was Young...

When I was young, it felt like my tongue was stapled to the back of my throat! I had words to say, but I could never get them out. People loved to focus on how shy I was, how my face would turn bright red, and how I just needed to “speak up”. These comments only fed my social anxiety and caused me to retreat further.  

When I was young, I saw and felt the pain and suffering of those less privileged. It was a burning in my heart, in my soul, in my whole being! Internally, I questioned the gross inequality and injustice surrounding me! I wanted to cry out, loud, in anger, but my tongue was stapled to the back of my throat!

When I was a teenager, I was part of a youth group which meant attending Home Groups. They were nightmarish events for socially anxious kids like me. Near the end of these 90-minute Bible studies, there were always prayer times. We’d all shut our eyes, and one by one everyone around the circle would pray, except me, because I felt my tongue was stapled to the back of my throat!

When I was in these prayer times, I felt all eyes, though closed, were on me. I felt my heart beating far too rapidly. I felt my face turning red and sweat forming on my forehead. I felt the need to pray but felt my voice would quiver and I’d say the wrong words. Internally, I prayed for liberation, that God would loosen my tongue, but I never, never ever, sparked up enough courage to pray out loud.

When I’d return home from these home groups, I was in agony. I felt guilty! I felt like a coward. I felt that everyone’s eyes were still on me. I felt that I disappointed everybody, especially God! I felt my lack of praying out loud would result in God’s condemnation, so I’d go home and beg Him for forgiveness. I’d give my life to Jesus again, hoping to escape God’s fiery judgement, and hoping for a loosening of my stapled tongue the following week. Yet, despite the remorse, despite the prayers, every week had the same result!

When I was a youngster, this tension, this social anxiety mixed with empathy for others, took me down into a very deep dark place. Depression. Self-harm. Suicidal Ideations. I felt imprisoned between my dreams and my reality. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. I felt cursed by my own cowardice. How do I live in this unjust unfair unequal world, how do I help make wrongs right, when I can’t even get these damn staples out of my tongue?

When I was in Bible College, we had to go on these church involvement weeks once a year. I can’t remember the church, I can’t even remember what activity we were doing, but this mysterious older woman approached me out of the blue and looked me dead in the eyes and said something in the tune of “God wants you to open your mouth more because you’ve got something to say”. She vanished, but this word has never vanished from my soul.

When I arrived in Chicago, I was stepping into the unknown, I was in a new city, surrounded by people who didn't know me, my reputation, or my whakapapa. I received a letter in the mail, I don't remember much of what it said and haven't had anything to do with the 2 ladies who penned the words since. What I do remember is this, they felt God had given me a verse: Luke 4:18-19! They quoted this passage of liberation for the poor, oppressed and imprisoned and they felt it was for me. They encouraged me to embrace it and live it out! This word has also never vanished from my soul!

These 2 "words" didn't resonate with me immediately, I have been slow to respond, but they are strengthening within me, they are etched into my soul. Though I feel weak, my courage is growing. I live in a tension I cannot escape from! I live with a burden that gnaws at me. When I see injustice, I weep. When I see inequality, I must enter into the fray and speak out for the poor, oppressed, and imprisoned. I must speak, I must act, even when I am afraid, even if I am hated, even if my voice quivers and shakes and I make a fool of myself!

The Gospel Message is Love! Jesus told us to love our neighbours as ourselves. He told us to compassionately meet the needs of the "least of these". He rebuked and challenged the oppressive regimes while demonstrating and teaching how his Kingdom brings good news to the poor and liberation to the captives and oppressed. Therefore, though my voice may quiver, I cannot be silent. Therefore, though my actions may amount to nothing, I will continue to journey on with weak legs.

My faith in Jesus doesn't allow silence and inaction in the face of oppression. I will continue to do everything within my power to house those experiencing homelessness. I will continue to stand and march for those suffering in Gaza and the West Bank. I will continue to challenge the racist systems of mass incarceration. I will continue to embrace our transgender whānau. Though my legs tremble and my voice shakes, I pray for courage to stay on my path, to continue standing with and advocating for whoever is poor, oppressed and imprisoned, knowing Jesus came to “set the captives free”.